He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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