I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
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you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
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FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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