Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
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I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
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I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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