Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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