I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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