dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
