Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
