I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
