i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
