I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
