just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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