and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
