Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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