I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
