I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
