Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My bed smells like the plague
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
