I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
