hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
