You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
