Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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