evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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