didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
