he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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