im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
