They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
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Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize