Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
