After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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