is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
