I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
