If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
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I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
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we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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