why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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