i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
