Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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