i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
