remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
