everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
