peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
