I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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