I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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