listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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