Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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