last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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