Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
