I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
