There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
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