i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
