I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
