Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
this hospital has no fireball
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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