my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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