saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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