Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
