I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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