He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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