in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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