Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
