Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i dont even know how to be here
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
