every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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