mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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