dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
